Awakening. Realization II

It was a rude awakening; no gradual realization this time.

Being caught in total surprise; the cruel reality crashing down on what's left of a battered and broken spirit, like a malignant plague decimating every tiny shred of dignity and pride remaining in this hollow soul.

Dignity? Pride?

There is no dignity in losing. There is no pride in being a fool.


I didn't realize it the first time.

I guess I'm just twice as blind now.

Don't ask me when did it begin. Don't tell me when it began.

Just, don't.


I didn't see it coming.

I thought I'd figure it out.

I thought I'd move on.

Apparently, you already did, without me.


Everything is lost.

Everything we had, and would have. Lost.


Nothing has changed.

Lies, remain lies.

And the fool, remains a fool.

His ignorance and gullibility, mocking his very existence in this world.


It wasn't something I did.

It wasn't somthing I should have done, or something I could have done.

It wasn't even anything I would have done.

It was never even about me, in the first place.

It was about Him. All this while.

I was just a sloppy second.

Stop the narcissism. Stop this foolish self-centredness.

Stop.


I'm tired of lying to myself, that seven is more than just a mere number.

That there was actually a commitment

a promise

a future behind it.


I'm tired of looking for answers.

The best answer would be, there isn't one at all.

There is no explanation. There is no reason.

The last flight of hope has departed

with me stranded on this god forsaken platform.

I'm lost.

And I'll never find my way back again.


The irony of it

mustering the courage to continue this life like a sick joke

only to realise

all this while

the joke is on me.