Confused. Senseless

Feeling a little confused today.

Maybe it's the 7 hour noon nap.

Maybe it's the weather.


Maybe it's just me.

Post call day one, 1st tag MO call in my life.

Should have been one of those days one would usually notch down as a historical landmark on their life journey, celebrating the long-awaited freedom from the shackles of housemanship and a heartfelt bye-bye to non-stop bloodtaking, history clerking and PR butt-plugging.

Was anticipating celebrating this life-changing event with lots of makaning, partying and whistle blowing complete with a candle blowing ceremony, a partridge and a pear tree.



As of now, 10 hours from being post call, I'm sitting in front of my laptop, alone in my room, with nothing but the humming of the aircon in my company. No makaning, no partying, no whistle blowing and definitely no candle blowing. No pear tree in sight either.

Feeling a little useless now.

Didn't function much as an MO during on call; merely reviewed a few patients who obviously needed admission and would have done better by being sent straight to the ward than waiting for me for a much-unnecessary reassessment. The senior MO oncall did most of the work anyway, rocketting to and fro between the blood bank and the ICU to get blood for a dengue PPH lady who was bleeding buckets post labour. All the while carrying a bun in the oven no less. Sigh.

Obviously didn't function much as a HO either. Forgot to bring along clerking sheets to the ED while reviewing patients. Resulting in the already lethargic-dehydrated-warning signs kao-kao patient having to re-enumerate how many times she has had massive diarrhea again and again and yet again in the ward. Aiyak.

Aiyako was adamant that I do not take part in the blood taking ceremony at 12am. 'Go lie down, get some rest, whatever,'........ starting to feel a little old. And a whole lot useless. Always have this thought that a few more years down the road I'll get all the lying down I'll ever need so.....yeah starting to have weird thoughts again. Feeling a little left out. Miss scaring the living daylight out of patients at 12am with syringe in one hand, glove in the other, complete with Joker grin and ' Elo selamat pagi sorree cucuk sikit yer'. Miss trying to beat the deadline of sending in bloods before 1 am to comply to the 'FBC 12am' mark.

Miss being part of the team.

Miss being functional.


Belle tried to put things in perspective. Said something about how as an MO I deserved to be treated in a certain 'manner and respect'. Something about how Tricho's 'dignity' was 'compromised' because he was too comfortable hanging around us and thus leading to him being shunned and marginalized by the rest of the MOs. Couldn't find myself to agree to such logic but I do get your point Belle. Although still infinitely saddened by the fact that how such a slight change in title has such ramifications in terms of how we should get along with each other. We're friends first, then colleagues, then only whatever HO-MO........if it even matters. Then again, not really sure if I've actually got the 5 cents to deserve any special form of 'manner and respect' at all.


I'm not masochistic.

I just want to feel useful. That me being there serves a purpose, any purpose that may be.

I just want to be dependable, I guess.

And I'm not feeling that now.


The world is going on without me. The world can go on without me.

The world will go on without me.


I guess being needed gives me a sense of existence. And being wanted gives me a sense of hope.

Like how it feels when you cut yourself, and the surge of pain reminds that you're still alive.

Branulas, FBC QIDs, the works. You keep me alive and remind me of who I am.


Now I'm not so sure anymore.


Not the happiest person on the planet now.

Not even sure why.

I guess I'm not good with change.

I always say,


Is change in love a virtue

or love for change a vice?


Something like that, more or less.

Maybe it's true.

Maybe it's just me being senseless.

Or maybe it's just the weather.


Like how the great philosopher Jagger puts it,

You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometime, you might find - you get what you need....