COLD!........

Friggin cold aircon at Starbucks Leisure Mall Cheras.

Getting peripheral cyanosis with CRT~2secs.

Certain body parts shriveling to the point of nearly disappearing completely.

No fever, god forbid.


Gonna take a last swig of mocha frapuchino n get the hell outa here.

The irony of it

praying for aircon at work everyday but running away from it now.

Too much of something is never a good thing I guess.

Hmmm....

Brrrrrrrrrrrr.

Hollowmaniac

Weight loss.

Not associated with night sweats/ loss of appetite.

No chronic cough/ hemoptysis.

No funny lumps/ bumps popping up out of no where.


Checked email account.

No accidental signing up to MarrieFrance/ Busybody/ Yunnan.

Eh salah.

Maybe Yunnan. But that's a different story.



Hmmm.

Dissapearing soon.

It's ok.

No one would notice anyway.

*Hollowmaniacal laugh*

Frust.....

Changing wards tomorrow.

Gonna be HOMO till god-knows-when.

Welcome to the realm of sweaty, stinky, hi-sugar-low-BP pigs ala men.

Sigh.

Feeling like a million Rupiah now.

I'm not good with change.

Frust....

Content.....

Yum yum.

Home cooked food still da best.

Zzzz.......

Still up at 2:34am.

Sigh.

Feeling empty inside out.

Why bother posting anything.

Not like anyone's gonna notice anyway anyhow wtf.

Good night.

n

Confused. Senseless

Feeling a little confused today.

Maybe it's the 7 hour noon nap.

Maybe it's the weather.


Maybe it's just me.

Post call day one, 1st tag MO call in my life.

Should have been one of those days one would usually notch down as a historical landmark on their life journey, celebrating the long-awaited freedom from the shackles of housemanship and a heartfelt bye-bye to non-stop bloodtaking, history clerking and PR butt-plugging.

Was anticipating celebrating this life-changing event with lots of makaning, partying and whistle blowing complete with a candle blowing ceremony, a partridge and a pear tree.



As of now, 10 hours from being post call, I'm sitting in front of my laptop, alone in my room, with nothing but the humming of the aircon in my company. No makaning, no partying, no whistle blowing and definitely no candle blowing. No pear tree in sight either.

Feeling a little useless now.

Didn't function much as an MO during on call; merely reviewed a few patients who obviously needed admission and would have done better by being sent straight to the ward than waiting for me for a much-unnecessary reassessment. The senior MO oncall did most of the work anyway, rocketting to and fro between the blood bank and the ICU to get blood for a dengue PPH lady who was bleeding buckets post labour. All the while carrying a bun in the oven no less. Sigh.

Obviously didn't function much as a HO either. Forgot to bring along clerking sheets to the ED while reviewing patients. Resulting in the already lethargic-dehydrated-warning signs kao-kao patient having to re-enumerate how many times she has had massive diarrhea again and again and yet again in the ward. Aiyak.

Aiyako was adamant that I do not take part in the blood taking ceremony at 12am. 'Go lie down, get some rest, whatever,'........ starting to feel a little old. And a whole lot useless. Always have this thought that a few more years down the road I'll get all the lying down I'll ever need so.....yeah starting to have weird thoughts again. Feeling a little left out. Miss scaring the living daylight out of patients at 12am with syringe in one hand, glove in the other, complete with Joker grin and ' Elo selamat pagi sorree cucuk sikit yer'. Miss trying to beat the deadline of sending in bloods before 1 am to comply to the 'FBC 12am' mark.

Miss being part of the team.

Miss being functional.


Belle tried to put things in perspective. Said something about how as an MO I deserved to be treated in a certain 'manner and respect'. Something about how Tricho's 'dignity' was 'compromised' because he was too comfortable hanging around us and thus leading to him being shunned and marginalized by the rest of the MOs. Couldn't find myself to agree to such logic but I do get your point Belle. Although still infinitely saddened by the fact that how such a slight change in title has such ramifications in terms of how we should get along with each other. We're friends first, then colleagues, then only whatever HO-MO........if it even matters. Then again, not really sure if I've actually got the 5 cents to deserve any special form of 'manner and respect' at all.


I'm not masochistic.

I just want to feel useful. That me being there serves a purpose, any purpose that may be.

I just want to be dependable, I guess.

And I'm not feeling that now.


The world is going on without me. The world can go on without me.

The world will go on without me.


I guess being needed gives me a sense of existence. And being wanted gives me a sense of hope.

Like how it feels when you cut yourself, and the surge of pain reminds that you're still alive.

Branulas, FBC QIDs, the works. You keep me alive and remind me of who I am.


Now I'm not so sure anymore.


Not the happiest person on the planet now.

Not even sure why.

I guess I'm not good with change.

I always say,


Is change in love a virtue

or love for change a vice?


Something like that, more or less.

Maybe it's true.

Maybe it's just me being senseless.

Or maybe it's just the weather.


Like how the great philosopher Jagger puts it,

You can't always get what you want.....but if you try sometime, you might find - you get what you need....

HOMO sapien

Post call.

Last HO call ever, god forbid.

Stepping into quasi-MOhood tomorrow.

Entering the transitional phase of being a HO-MO Sapien.


I guess I should feel.....excited.

Elated, probably.

Or at least the slightest sense of relief; relieved that it's finally over.

That the days of FBC QIDs and RP LFT PTAPTT ROTFLMAOQWERTY are finally behind me.

And hello to weekend offs, post call half-day offs, so on and so forth.


Strangely,

I feel nothing.

Or should I say

Not surprisingly at all.

Not the slightest sense of woohoo-ness running through my body now.


Nothing much to look forward to.

Taggings gonna be a pain knowing that my presence is more of a compromise in view of the ongoing human resource crisis instead of an actual interest in making me part of the team.

Heck, then again it's not as if I made any initiative to be part of the team to begin with at all.

So there.....two parties antagonizing each other but brought together due to circumstance sake.


I foresee......chaos.


Looking back, all those sleepless nights of FBC QIDs and RP LFT PTAPTTs somehow don't seem that bad after all.

At least I'm doing what I consider myself 'good' at.....ok lah, 'ok' at....


Sigh. Good bye joblist. Good bye insane FBCs. Good bye Blood C&S, ABG, PR.

Uh, hello femoral catheter, CVP short line, BMAT........*shudder*

The 'JobList'. Secure with your life as it determines your survival for the night

Have you really ever loved a woman?

Came across an interesting post from an interesting blog by an interesting person ( just so to make it rhyme; 'weird' kinda better describes this person wek).

Anyway thought I'd put myself through it and see how bizarre things can get. Yeah I'm that jobless right now being postcall and refusing to tuck in someone please shoot me with a tranquilizer wtf.

1. Put your entire music library on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag some people.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
The Unforgiven (Metallica)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Something About The Way You Look Tonight (Elton John)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Wild World (Mr. Big) ....... I like 'em wild grrrrll

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
The Dope Show (Marilyn Manson) hehehe.......

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Beautiful ones (Suede)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Rockstar (Nickelback) .......Rockstar baby!!!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Somewhere, Somehow (Wet Wet Wet) ........cos I'm always blur I guess

WHAT IS 2+2?
Nobody (Wondergirls) ........wtf

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
You Make Me Feel.... (Texas) ..............NO. NO effin way man

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Hero (Nickelback) .........coz your my rock, my safe harbour, my hero

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
What's up (Four Non Blondes) ........haha yet another evidence my life is a blurrr....

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Starlight (Muse)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
You Yi Dian Dong Xing (Carina lau & Jeff Zhang) .........how apt!!

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Smack Ma Bitch Up (Prodigy) ........... -_-"

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones) NO NO NO NO NOO.....!!! NO!!!

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Thank You (Alanis Morissette) .......really? sniff*

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The End Is The Beginning Is The End (Smashing Pumpkins)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Sometimes When We Touch (Dan Hill) ........me likey touchy feely :)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Perfect (Smashing Pumpkins) .......you see you see friend like me where to find siao ah!

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Smells Like Teen Spirit (Nirvana)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Matsuri (Kitaro) ...........to die against such a magnificent melody...ok la

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
She's In Fashion (Suede) .............?

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Dead And Gone (Justin Timberlake feat T.I.) .......wei wei wei............

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Bei Pan 'Betrayal' (Gary Cao) ...........as true as truth can be

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Salvation (Cranberries)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
1979 (Smashing Pumpkins)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Have You Really Ever Loved A Woman (Bryan Adams) ........this is gonna be so misleading

OSIM!

I know I'm sooo going to regret doing this come tomorrow morning when I'm all groggy and puffy and dreading to get out of bed feeling like a zombie roti from hell that has been soaked in susu one minute too long wtf but then what the heck.

Stubbornly clinging on to the night not wanting to let Sunday pass.

Coming down with a severe case of Pinkpau's OSIM* blues.


Out of yogurt.

Out of anything that can possibly put my mind at ease.

Seriously contemplating coming up with a masterplan to swindle patient bed no. 42's private stash of methadone for some happy happy time tomorrow. God knows how much I need to let out bleerrgh.


Anyway.

Reality bites.

Gonna need to tuck in like it or not.

Monday beckons, lotsa new Makciks to review, branulas to replace and dietitians to refer.


Like I said, OSIM T___T



*OSIM = Oh Shit It's Monday

Tired 2.0

Feeling exceptionally tired for the past few days.

Even going to bed at the (relatively) early hour of 12am still not being able to curb the sandman's calling.

Wondering where all those hours of sleep went.

If this is the case, well might as well not sleep at all. Especially when after 6 hours of rest I still feel groggy and puffed up like a slab of zombie roti that has spent a minute too long in susu wtf.

Make that a zombie roti with serious bedhead issues. Talk about covering those bedhead bald patches up KNNBCCB :(


At any rate, sleep is overrated.

Physiologically speaking, the human body runs on energy, of which food is used as fuel to keep the Krebs cycle running to produce NADH and the whole mitochondria-golgi apparatus shebang whatnot doing what they do.

So.

Theoretically,

Food = energy

energy = not tired

not tired = duneed sleep


Hmm.

Somehow somewhere something must have gone wrong. Must be something mom ate 27 years ago.

For me

Food + more food + sleep + more sleep + even more food = still tired wtf


See.

Eyes getting heavy.

Weary thinking bout work tomorrow.

Praying for a sweet peaceful oncall with no admissions, no low GMs, no low BPs and everybody's GSC at an all time 15/15 high with Hindi music playing in the background, rainbows streaking across the sky, flowers blossoming in full splendor and Selvarani playing hide-and-seek behind a banana tree.

Yaaawn~

Oh shheetz.

HOT

HOT HOT HOT.

Feeling as if I'm catching fire down there.

Already trying to position myself as far as possible from the earth's core but somehow all that heat from all that magma boiling deep down inside momma earth's bosom just seems to be reaching straight for me arse.

Already flipping my butt pillow at 3.256 minute intervals like some ikan bakar sifu flipping his tenggiris.

Nothing seems to work.

Seriously considering getting a pack of ice cubes from 7 eleven to sit on. But then scared of balls frostbite necrosis.


Heellpp~~

Matsuri

Had been looking for this song by Kitaro for sooo long.

Finally.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGtKxbu7vLI&feature=related


Awesome, breathtaking stuff.


He does look abit Psy though.

Guess all geniuses are eccentric (and wonky) in their own genial right.

Tired

Tired of work.

Tired of life.

Tired of having nothing to look forward to.

Tired of chasing the unattainable.

Tired of running from the inevitable.

Tired of complaining.

Tired of listening to others complaint.

Tired of being responsible.

Tired of being accountable.

Tired of being dependable.

Tired of being tired.

Tired of being me.

Tired of this post.

n

Burp*

Hungry.

Went out for Nasi goreng Pattaya at some random food court.

Full.

Now thirsty.

Came home to a house with not a single drop of water available (water as in plain water).

Couldn't bring myself to drive out again.

Opened a can of Coca Cola instead.

Lesson learnt: trying to quench thirst with Coca Cola is the idiotic equivalent of trying to wipe your a$$ with tin foil.

It is just NOT humanly possible. Probably one of those things that should be banned totally.

Now full, thirsty and 102 empty kcals richer. Bloated too.

And I haven't got to the caffeine part yet.

Tonight's gonna be a looooooong night.......

I'm OK

David Tao had a song called 'I'm OK' from the album, uh, "I'm OK".

Funny thing is, the better part of the song was occupied by him going bonkers about how he was NOT OK at all.

Hmm.

Hypocrisy is the new black.

Anyway, feeling much better after hitting the mill. Although didn't really get to do much today - place was a little too crowded for comfort. Too many sweaty, grunting, panting men in one room does not go down well with my sense of security (I am ultra-sensitive to man-love). Or hygiene, as a matter of fact.

So today is more or less another day wasted in life. One of those which I shall look back one day and go like 'er, duh?' ya, you get the idea.

Whatever.

For now, at least, I'm OK.

Sooo not going to listen to David Tao tonight. Gonna stick to Wonder Girls' Nobody and Super Junior's Sorry Sorry for now.

Korean Popcrap never sounded so good.

........I want nobody, nobody but you *clap clap* woohoo~

--

Thunderstorm brewing outside.

Still plastered to the comp.

Feeling like an utterly hopeless fucktard depressed double serving of Mcshit with fries and a Coke by the side. Make that a diet please thank you.

Need to pick up my bum that has already begin to grow roots into the couch and get going.

GET UP!!!


ORAIT DAMN IT *jesus!*



OK SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

........

Schizophrenia getting out of hand.

Now where did I last placed my...........

whatever.


I miss myself. And you and you and you.

Untitled

Post call.

Feeling down today.

Somehow maybe possibly most likely due to the fact that my next call is looming not far away over the horizon.

The fact that a few new colleagues joined out team today didn't do much to brighten things up.

Need to find a way out.

Gloomy day. Not suitable for outing of any sort. Gonna just hide at home instead. Camera collecting dust in a corner like my current state of mind.

Astro not picking up signals, as usual. Bloody rip off.

Not having much thought bout the world. Enjoying being selfish for a change.

Although deep down

Miss having somebody to spend a cosy evening with.


So close, yet so far.


Oh well.

Gonna go run off my sorrows then.

See you around.


-n-

Ramblings of an On Call Mind

Greetings from ward 6 Hosp Kajang.

EODing day 2.

Recovering from 15 hours of sleep (4pm -7am). Massive headache, still feeling groggy as hell.

Couldn't even muster the strength get up for my much-awaited evening run.

Cannot recall a single fleck of memory from yesterday's Dengue course. Felt like I wasn't there at all.

Oh ya, was there, remember the super-duper obscenely oily ayam masak merah watchamacallit. The thought of it still sends shudders down my spine.

Last meal - 18 hours ago. Hungry to the point of developing hypoglycemic symptoms but no appetite and mood to bother opening mouth.

Feeling like crap.

I hate on call T_T

Ohkay.

Phone ringing. Must be from ward 3.

Seeing that as of this very very moment nobody is dying/ wants to die/ deserves to die, most probably it's some patient's father's mother's brother's pasteur's cow's flea wanting to see the doctor-in-charge to find out 'makcik tu sekarang macam mana ha?'

Macam tu lo. Same like how she was when you asked 10 mins ago. Siiiiigh.


Put up a smile and face the world. Kami Sedia Membantu, yeh........

April Fooled

I can't take it anymore.

I've got to let it out.

And it is with utmost sincerity that I hereby declared that I am truly, madly, deeply......


Gay.

And I love big, hairy, stinky old men.

......
...
..
.



Now that was a sucky one.


So, down to jokes and pranks.

Small, harmless gestures of jest and mischief with no malice at heart. Or is there? Oh, those are called lies.

Whatever.


In the spirit of April Fool's day, I'm doing a recap of some of the lamest and greatest cheatoz I've come across - being by experience, word of mouth or simply something scratched onto the public toilet door. Lies that tickle your funny bone or just slap you silly by the sheer lamitude of it.

Some might sound,er, ambiguous. Some might sound like the downright god damn truth. While some might sound as real as the flying pig that just buzzed by your 2nd floor window.

Oh wait, that's a lie.

Pigs don't fly.


They ride flying carpets.


Anyway, here goes.

5. I'm pregnant. Mbleerrgghhhhhpfff.

(Okay just to clarify things from the start this is NOT one of the personal experiences I mentioned beforehand thanksweetgod so go fly kite with your vivid imagination wtf)

A lame excuse some lowlife people love to use to avoid responsibility. Reserved exclusively for the womenkind althought few years down the road god knows what to expect wtf. Difficult to debunk especially during the 'early phase' as it is generally regarded as psycho to request for a UPT as 'proof of purchase 'more so from so called colleagues (yeah you know who you are itchy punanee). And the sucky part is when the fun dies out and the perpetrator risks being busted, she can always declare she had a 'missed abortion' and voila! All the troubles in the world flushed down the drain, imaginary fetus and all whatnot. And get extra sick leave for being oh-mai-gawd-so-poor-thing miscarriaged too. A difficult one, this is.


4. PM off. Bye-bye at 12pm post call

Damn you KKM. Damn you and your lies. PM off my hairy muffins. Still staying up till 5pm. 6pm sometimes if the Oww-Maii-Gawdd Princess goes MIA. So lame this one really wanna ROTFLMAOQWERTY. WTF.


3. Auntie cucuk sikit ya....tak sakit punyer....

Really! Tak sakit langsung! Macam semut gigit je.....too bad semut tu semut api besar giler gaban bodoh tu leh.....OOOOOOW OW OW OW MAK AKU SAKIIIIIIIIIIIIT VALIKIAMAHHH *pass out amidst Hindi music in the background and Selvarani rolling down the slope*

Lier. Pantat ko tak sakit.


2. I accidentally terminum Chlorox. Ooops *coy smile*

Eh adik. You think we bodoh or what. Typical lame excuse given by midnight admitees who claim to have 'accidentally drank the whole world's chlorox supply dry'. Like, you know, how she accidentally placed her chlorox next to her drinking water, on the computer desk, in her room, 10KM away from the washroom ( where whatyaknow the chlorox storage drawer was). Oh wait, you didn't notice how it tasted....so you took another gulp....and another.....and....? Oh-kaay....whatever.....GCS low at 3am......refer psy cm...Rx: two tight slaps 11/11 QID......


1. I Love You

Nuff said. All-time greatest truth and lie bundled into one convenient, simple-to-pronounce package. Choose what you want to believe.




Happy Valentine's day.

Oops.

Sorry.

Happy April Fool's day. Hope you had a good one.

That's a lie too.


Yawn~ tired. Post EOD day 1, Pre EOD day 1. Surrreeeaaaallll~~~

Now that's the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.