Awakening. Realization

It wasn't so much of a rude awakening; more of a gradual realization I guess.

There was no element of surprise; just a constant gnawing sense of helplessness that, like a rabid disease, indefinitely and relentlessly consumes away on what's left of an already fragile sense of self-worth.


Self worth?

How does one measures one's worthiness, when there is nobody else who actually gives a damn?


If you ask me, when did it begin? I do not know. I cannot give you an exact date. Or time.

I just know it happened, somewhere, sometime along the way.

And it hurts me to no end knowing that, things may not seeming to be getting any better anytime soon.


What is it that we lost?

Or, is it that we

never had anything to start with at all?


Undeniably there has been change.

Change is good.

Change is a breath of fresh air into the rusted and routine.....

A stream of new blood injected into the stagnant and still.....

The question is,

Is change a virtue, or is it a vice?


I know it is something I did.

Or maybe it is something I did not do.

Something I should have done. Something I could have done.

Something I would have done.

If only I knew.


I do not know the answers to the questions in my mind.

I guess I do not even know what the questions are to begin with.

I'm losing it.

Or,

Maybe I never ever had it in the first place?


The irony of it

attempting to make a sense of meaning when, in truth,

I know

I do not mean that much to you anymore.